I was ashamed, but undaunted (my epithet?).
The heart is permanently gory.
I imbue all this pausing with great importance
but phoniness slides in like one more drink.
I reached too hard for courage
and pushed it further down inside me.
I reached too hard for the sparring part of me
pushed it beyond reach.
What did I remember?
I aspire to pure carcass.
Can it not be picked from the bones of me?
Boil my head when I go.
There is no one to look at my nudes.
There is no audience for my face.
I need to find one
before my body runs out.
Perhaps it is too late for my face already.
My head, there’s hope for.
Is this enough is this enough
keeps me awake at night.
Shame escapes like the white of a wave
frilly and loud on the shore.
I have admitted my sins;
my friend’s face is a glitch.
I watch and watch a clip where someone pleads for forgiveness.
She asks seven times.
That the floor is dimpled
by a friend’s stiletto heels –
I have forgiven the girl who shot dead
a man in the TV show
and I have forgiven the pavement
and I have forgiven the shark who tore
the arm from a girl
the dead hydrangea and the cat sick and the silk
that was snagged on the splintering wood
of a chair I did not like.
I have forgiven the lies I’ve been told that were intended to soothe me.
My enterprise has been: an attempt
to force emotion from things.
Feelings often lack structural integrity –
we’re all falling into each other.
My feelings can’t afford the plans I’m making.
Another hour wasted in compassion
for the screws in the bed frame.
I want to be in water
because it is so blasé regarding my desire for it.
I have now for some time been chewing
through thoughts, in the hope
of obliterating them. So to today.
Thoughts cannot be solved
especially if one focuses on the surface
rather than the effort of the root.
I pay someone to see to the roots.
‘Prone to’ but not ‘prone’.
Forgive me, canary.
Forgive me, body.
Forgive me, Mother.
Forgive me, veneer.
Some things become more beautiful in their abandonment but not me.
Please check I am very dead before saying goodbye.
First Published by Prac Crit.